Let’s be honest.
One of the little joys a guide has, when leading people on their first trip to Africa, is giving them a little bit of a scare. We’re not talking abject terror or anything traumatic, but just a gentle fright whilst out on safari. Why? Well, it’s a good icebreaker for a group, it’s light-hearted, it’s fun, and it’s really easy to do. It’s easy because all guests usually come with preconceived ideas of what ‘Africa’ is. And, more often than not, this preconceived idea is viewing Africa as some sort of never-ending death trap. It’s the idea that everything on safari is waiting to kill you. It doesn’t matter that the animal in question is a herbivore, or terrified of humans, or living on another continent (looking at you, tiger). There is just the general idea that if the opportunity arises, any animal around will seize it and try to eat you for dinner.
Whilst everyone eventually drops this fear once they soak up the wonder (and reality) that is an African safari, there is usually just enough time on the first day or two to get in some good old-fashioned frights. Nervously excited, guests can easily be convinced that harmless chatter of the squirrel is instead a hungry night cat. Or that any casual flatulence by an elephant clearly means they are going to charge. And sometimes you don’t even need the animal. You can do it by the transferring of ‘bush knowledge’ to ensure their best chance of survival.
Among this is the famous “Don’t run away!”. There’s even a great book about it called “Whatever you do, Don’t Run”, by a friend of the Society, Peter Allison.
This advice means that when you are face-to-face with an animal, you should never run away. The thinking is that the animal then instinctively sees you as prey and is compelled to give chase. You are meant to stand your ground, which convinces the animal that you aren’t afraid and are therefore not a meal. It’s sound advice. It is also extremely unlikely to come up on a day-to-day basis unless you are planning on taking a walking safari or casually strolling through the savannah unsupervised.
The global travel industry has always run what are known as ‘educationals’ or ‘familiarisation’ trips. These are when travel companies invite industry professionals (like a travel agent for example) to a country or location in order to experience it and learn more about it. If you ever wonder why your travel agent is away for a week frequently in some exotic location, it was probably one of these. As a taste of the destination, it gives them exposure and understanding and then, as the theory goes, makes it more likely that they are able to effectively offer it to their clients.
And it was on one of these trips that the trip host (one of our co-founders, actually) decided to have some fun and have a ‘serious’ chat about the dangers of the area with the agents on their first day. They were all thoroughly briefed on a few topics, including, of course, to be quiet around the animals and not to run away. Being slightly terrified on their first night on safari, they all listened and nodded attentively.
The following morning, the group headed out on some early morning game drives, spotting a whole range of animals. As is customary, the group then stopped for some morning refreshments, usually coffee, tea and some snacks. This particular group chose to add champagne and Amarula to that list. And, as you’d expect after these celebratory additions in the cold morning, the group soon needed to go to the toilet. However, being in the wild, the only option available for them was a ‘bush wee’. The safari guide (a woman) pointed out a safe and comfortable spot, and the travel agent group (also all women) headed off in pairs to a nearby bush, only about 20m from the safari vehicle. Here they practised their sisterhood, one standing guard and dutifully watching out for any predator whilst the other marked their territory.
Once the bush had been watered enough and just as they were about to head-off, one agent decided that, despite her initial reluctance, she really did need to visit the bush. Soon, as the rest of the group was already in the vehicle, she walked herself off to the makeshift bathroom.
The trip host was talking to the group about the rest of the day when suddenly a scream echoed across the plain. Immediately, all eyes snapped to the bush. Almost as if waiting for her big entrance, the woman appeared from behind the bush, pants undone and loose around the knees. She was making large, exaggerated steps towards the group, and was screaming in as quiet a tone as she could muster. With a panicked expression, ridiculous gait and silent screams, she looked a lot like a villain sneaking around in a cartoon, and it sounded like there was an emergency in a library. This odd combination was an image that temporarily froze the group as their brains struggled to make sense of it all. After a few seconds, when their senses kicked back in, the guides and host made their way over quickly to her. And, when she calmed down (and pulled her pants up), she shared her story.
She had made it to the bush without a problem, and looking outwards, saw no predators nearby ready to nibble on her buttocks. Still facing outwards, she then proceeded to pull down her trousers to urinate. Just at the moment of release, there was a sudden loud hiss from her nether regions, a noise that was not of her own making. Looking down, she saw movement and a small, furry thing underneath her.
As you’d expect, she panicked.
Grabbing her pants and preparing to escape, she then remembered the previous advice about not running. What should a terrified woman do? Well, you run as best you can but also pretend to be walking, just in case the animal was taking notes. And not wanting to terrify the animal, you can scream, but in the softest voice you can generate. And if you combine both these things, you end up with the pantomime the group witnessed.
After she explained what happened, the guiding team had a quick look at the bush in question. It was here they discovered the source of ‘the hiss’. Hidden in the bush was, in fact, a slender mongoose, a small member of the mongoose family. Sometime in the gap between the last pair of agents using the bush and this one woman doing so, the mongoose had made its way there and decided to take a rest. And if you thought the woman got a fright, imagine the poor mongoose! Here you are, hiding in a bush, when a large mammal backs up to you and begins to relieve itself on top of your head. You’d be hissing too.
The group eventually moved on, once they were able to stop laughing. She was soon able to see the funny side once she calmed down and had finished some more champagne.
So now, when frightening first-timers about the bush, we now have two rules we share. The first one is still, of course ‘Don’t run.’
The second one is now ‘Check the bush before you pee on it’.
